A Step-by-Step Guide to Having an Assertive Conversation

Ensuring that you communicate confidently in conversations can help you reach your personal goals and prevent unnecessary conflicts. Discover the skills needed to achieve this in this article.

Expressing ourselves confidently is crucial when sharing opinions, negotiating, and communicating respectfully. This approach is beneficial in personal, emotional, and professional relationships, but implementing it isn’t always clear. That’s why we aim to provide you with a detailed guide to help you learn how to engage in assertive conversations step by step.

Various techniques, exercises, and suggestions assist us in communicating confidently and courteously. It’s crucial to recognize that assertiveness goes beyond mere steps; it embodies an attitude and a relational style. Linked with self-esteem and empathy, assertiveness finds application in diverse situations (González & Kasparane, 2009).

If you’re uncertain about where to begin, this article will furnish you with the fundamentals to modify your interactions.

The importance of assertive communication

Before delving into the specifics of maintaining an assertive conversation, it’s important to highlight the numerous advantages that this communication style offers. Assertiveness is a mode that strikes a balance between passivity (yielding to others) and aggressiveness (forcing others to yield). Consequently, it enables us to confidently articulate our opinions, desires, and needs without ever disrespecting the other person.

Possessing this skill yields benefits across various domains and brings forth a range of compelling advantages (Postolatii, 2017):

• Being assertive fosters equilibrium and fairness in human relationships.
• It empowers us to safeguard our rights and interests boldly, without causing harm to others.
• Assertiveness contributes to sound decision-making and enhances success in our professional endeavors.
• It nurtures emotional intelligence, fostering happiness, honesty, health, and reducing manipulative behaviors.
• Assertive individuals experience heightened capability and self-confidence, facilitating the attainment of their goals.
• It supports interpersonal success, be it in friendships, romantic relationships, family, or professional connections.
• Assertiveness acts as a preventive measure against conflicts, misunderstandings, and disagreements, paving the way for more positive and gratifying relationships.

A step-by-step guide to having an assertive conversation

In conclusion, this guide on sustaining assertive conversations proves beneficial if you’re grappling with workplace conflicts involving superiors or colleagues, struggling to establish boundaries, or aiming to enhance communication with loved ones while sidestepping unnecessary strain on relationships.

The steps we’ll propose, with some modifications, draw inspiration from Marshall Rosenberg’s non-violent communication model. We trust that you can make the most of them.

1. Ground your communication in objective facts.

How often have you initiated conversations with statements like “You always treat me badly” or “This company doesn’t value me”? While you may feel that way, expressing it in this manner tends to be perceived as a personal attack, triggering defensiveness in the listener. Therefore, a key approach is to convey specific and objective facts without passing judgment.

This involves engaging in a neutral discussion about recent events. For instance, “Yesterday, your tone became elevated during our conversation,” “We haven’t interacted in several days,” or “The report you provided is lacking crucial information.” By framing your remarks this way, you’re referring to undeniable facts without making subjective judgments or assessments.

2. Speak from the “I”

The second step involves being mindful of and owning up to your own emotions. Often, we focus on the other person and what we perceive as wrong, forgetting that these are just interpretations. The only truth we can genuinely discuss is what we feel.

Accusing your partner of consistently ignoring you is an interpretation based on your perspective, placing blame and responsibility on them. Conversely, stating “I feel lonely” communicates your internal perceptions and sensations, eliminating room for debate and avoiding blame.

It’s crucial to grasp, as Rosenberg highlights in his work “The Surprising Purpose of Anger,” that anger is a healthy emotion. It alerts us to an unmet need. Expressing it appropriately allows the other person to empathize with us, as we reveal our vulnerability.

For instance, expressing, “I feel anxious and restless when the house isn’t picked up,” makes it simpler for the other person to empathize and listen, compared to just stating, “The house is a mess, and you’re a slob.”

3. Communicate your specific requests

The aim of an assertive conversation is to guide us toward a shared understanding where both individuals are respected and considered in reaching a resolution. To achieve this, it’s crucial to present specific requests. This involves communicating to the person how they can contribute to addressing the need.

A successful request is one that is clear, specific, and expressed positively. Phrases like “I want you to stop ignoring me” or “I’d like you to do your job” may not be the most effective communication options. Instead, it’s more beneficial to say things like “I’d like to have a daily conversation” or “I’d appreciate it if you could review the items on this list before submitting a report.”

4. Emphasize the mutual benefit

Nevertheless, it’s essential to differentiate a request from an imposition or demand. The fourth step in an assertive conversation involves conveying our feelings to the other person and suggesting potential changes.

It’s crucial to recognize that it’s ultimately their decision whether to accept, reject, or modify the request. Our rights, opinions, and needs hold value, but so do those of others.

Emphasizing the mutual benefits of the proposed change increases the likelihood of the other person being open to collaboration. This approach highlights how the suggested adjustment can positively impact both parties, not just ourselves.

For instance, phrases like “If we maintain a tidy house, we can enjoy more quality time together instead of cleaning up” or “By reviewing the report before delivery, we expedite timelines and avoid the need for redoing the work” highlight the potential mutual benefits of the suggested changes.

Guard against factors that can undermine an assertive conversation

As evident, employing just four straightforward points can facilitate an assertive, positive, and effective conversation geared towards desired outcomes. While these steps serve as a practical guide for expressing your opinions, it’s crucial to recognize that assertiveness is fundamentally an attitude.

According to an article in the Journal of History Culture and Art Research, successful communication is achieved by steering clear of interpretations and judgments, refraining from blaming others, avoiding evasion of responsibility, steering clear of comparisons, and refraining from trying to impose your desires and needs. Cultivating a firm yet respectful attitude, characterized by a fair balance in the relationship, is essential to achieving the desired goal.

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Source: exploringyourmind.com